


Her Diary

by maemusicmelody



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I hurt my children whoops, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 19:51:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12824850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maemusicmelody/pseuds/maemusicmelody
Summary: Kanan and Ruby are living together now after college. They've been dating for eight years now and they are more then happy. While cleaning the house however, Ruby found Kanan's diary and accidentally reads things she was never meant to see.





	Her Diary

**Author's Note:**

> I like pain
> 
> Edit: some of the fic got cut off when I copied and pasted? It's there now

A soft voice sang along to the tune of the song playing on the radio as its owner danced around the living room. Cleaning up was always more fun with some music, so Ruby always made sure to play her favorite idol groups' songs to make herself more enthusiastic about doing chores.

She had just finished sweeping the floors and started dusting. Her hand reached to pick up a picture frame to dust under it. When her eyes met the picture, she smiled. It was a picture of her and Kanan on their first anniversary. The older girl had taken her to Tokyo where they spent the whole weekend.

Years had passed since then. They were both still in high school when they started dating and now both of them were finished with college. They had definitely come a long way since then. The two of then moved in together, renting an apartment close to where both of them worked. Kanan did research at the aquarium in town whereas Ruby worked for a fashion company. However, since most of Ruby's job involved clothing design, her job was more flexible and she was home more often, meaning she had more time than Kanan to do housework.

Not that Ruby minded. She liked the idea of playing housewife to Kanan. Obviously she wasn't a real housewife since she did go to work, but just being able to be productive around the house whenever she wasn't working was nice. It also just made her happy that she was able to cook home cooked meals and have everything ready so when Kanan came home from a long day's work, she wouldn't have to worry about a thing. Ruby was just satisfied with how life was at the moment.

Things were a bit more cluttered than usual, probably since she and Kanan had gone back home to visit their families, which meant none of the chores got done that weekened. There was more laundry to do than usual and just more junk in general to get organized.

As Ruby was oraganizing bills and arranging magazines and other papers, she noticed a mint green book in the pile. Not knowing what it was, she picked it up and opened it.

"Hmm? What is this?"

Ruby flipped through a couple pages, a few with nothing written in it, until she found some words.

_Dia looked super cute today in class. She was making that face again that meant she had something on her mind. I was going to ask her about it, but I thought it would be amusing to pretend she was thinking of me._

Ruby blinked at the words, skimming through the rest to find the date.

_April 14, 2009_

That was high school, Ruby's freshman year.

Ruby frowned at the words. Kanan wrote this about eight years ago? Curiosity taking over, Ruby set aside her duster and sat down on the cough. The house was clean enough as it was so beside the washing machine still cleaning clothes, she was done.

She flipped a couple pages forward, noticing that her sister's name was on every page at least a dozen times. She stopped at May 18th, the day all of them had finally joined Aqours and had performed their first live as a group.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today we performed for the first time and it was amazing. I never thought I'd be able to be on stage again like that. To think after all those years, I finally got to perform with Dia and Mari on stage again. You know, Dia looks super great in a that outfit. Bless You for designing it like that. I wouldn't be surprised if Dia flipped her shit at how short the skirt was when she first saw it. Ha! I would have loved to have seen her reaction. It must have been so cute. I hope to see her wear more cute things in our next lives._

_Kanan_

Ruby felt her chest tightened. So... Kanan had a huge crush on her sister huh? Honestly Ruby wasn't too surprised. She always had a feeling Kanan crushed on Dia or Mari, maybe even both, but it didn't matter right? Kanan was with her and she always made her feel loved. It was only ever with Kanan that all her insecurities faded... She never once questioned Kanan's love for her. So why did she find this now?

Ruby thought about putting the book away. It wasn't right. She shouldn't be reading this... Even if Kanan had a crush on Dia before it was all in the past, right? There was no need to worry about silly things like that now.

So she set the book on the coffee table, but she didn't get up. Even as minutes has passed, she found herself still staring at that mint notebook asking questions to herself.

How long did Kanan like Dia? When did that crush go away? Kanan loved her now right? She wasn't hiding anything from her?

But she hid that book... Ruby had never even heard of its existance before... She thought they didn't keep secrets from each other.

Ruby thought maybe... If she just read something nice about herself in it, she would feel better. There had to be something nice in there right? Kanan loved her.

_July 19, 2009_

_Dear Diary,_

_I have no idea how to feel right now. Ruby just confessed her feelings for me and I don't know... She's super sweet and cute... It must have taken her so much effort to work up the courage to ask me. I've known her since she was a baby and she has never been so... forward before. I just couldn't say no. What am I supposed to tell her? I'm in love with your sister? That would hurt her so bad... I don't want that. Ruby doesn't deseve that. It's just one date right?_

_Kanan_

What...? Ruby was crying by now, staring at the words in disbelief. Kanan only accepted her feelings out of pity? Because she didn't want to hurt her? Ruby couldn't believe it... Was their whole relationship a lie?

No. It had to had changed right? Why would Kanan stay with someone she didn't really love for over seven years... No. The date. Their first date. It had to mean something to her.

_July 20, 2009_

_First day of summer and I'm freaking out over my date with Ruby. I wish I never accepted her invitation. What was I thinking?! I can't go on a date with her like this... What am I going to do... Hold her hand? Kiss her? Oh god what if I give her my first kiss... I was saving that for Dia. No. No no. It's the first day. Ruby wouldn't just kiss someone the first date. She's not like that. Just go on the date Kanan then tell her that you just wanna stay friends... Don't hurt her Kanan or else Dia would kill you. Dia would never date anyone that hurt her precious little sister..._

_Kanan_

_July 21, 2009_

_I'm an idiot. I took Ruby out today for a movie and dinner. Simple right? Nothing too fancy and honestly something friends could do together. She did want to hold my hand which I let her. It's not like we didn't hold hands all the time anyway as friends... But just knowing she likes me... It felt so wrong! And the worse part is that I agreed to another date with her! Why would I do that? I can't keep leading her on like this. Next date I have to break it off... This isn't right._

_Kanan_

Her heart felt like it was being torn apart. Kanan didn't want to be with her... No. This wasn't true. It couldn't be.

Ruby found herself sitting there, reading passage after passage, hoping to find something redeeming about it. Instead she found that it got worse and worse the more she read on.

_August 21, 2009_

_Ruby and I have been dating for a month now. I don't know how it happened, but I guess there's no use fighting it now. Being with Ruby isn't that bad really, but I don't know what I'm going to do about Dia. Honestly I have been spending a lot more time at their house. I know I should be focusing my attention on Ruby but I am kind of amused with Dia. I can't tell if she's being pissy because I'm dating her sister and shes going protective sister mode, or if she's jealous. I'd like to think she's jealous. It's kinda cute._

_Kanan_

_September 10, 2009_

_School again but thankfully my seat is right next to Dia's. I caught her looking at me which made me a bit embarrassed. She's been giving me a lot of attention tho! Usually to scold me and give me the sister talk about how I need to take care of Ruby. You thinks she's just mad she lost her chance to ask me out. Little does she know I'm still in love with her._

_Kanan_

_November 17, 2009_

_I honestly can't believe Ruby and I lasted this long. She's really sweet with me and I feel warm with her around. I'm glad I could make her happy you know? I just wish things were different._

_Kanan_

_January 29, 2010_

_Dia and Mari started dating today... I'm... I don't know how to feel. I've been with Ruby for a while now and I really am enjoying my time with her. I just can't seem to shake off this whole Dia thing. Guess it's because I liked her so long. I thought I got over her. Ruby and I have been having so much fun together. I'm really happy with her. But when Mari and Dia went on their date today I just... It hurt. A lot._

_Kanan_

Ruby didn't even hear the door open. She was too busy trying to keep tears from dripping down onto the paper and ruin the pages. Only when she heard an angry voice did she snap out of it and realize someone was there.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Kanan growled, snatching the book away from Ruby's hands. She didn't seem to care that Ruby was crying her heart out. "Where did you get this?!"

"W-why are you getting angry at me for?!" Ruby growled back, biting on her tongue as she hissed at the other. "If you must know you left it in the pile of mess you left for me to clean up!"

"You shouldn't have read it! This is private!" Kanan insisted, hugging the book to her chest.

"Oh private? So now your keeping secrets from me?" Ruby raised see voice. "Apparently you always have been!"

"So you admit to reading my diary? Who do you think you are?"

"I thought I was your girlfriend, but I don't know anymore." Ruby stomped her feet.

"What the fuck Ruby! ...A good girlfriend wouldn't have read this without permission..." Kanan huffed and marched towards the door. She looked furious. She didn't say much more. The next second, the door slammed shut and Ruby was left alone.

* * *

 

It grew dark outside. Kanan stepped back into an equally dark house feeling terrible.

"Ruby...? Hey Ruby I'm sorry..." Her eyes were stinging. She messed up. Her body was shaking as she walked around the apartment. Ruby's stuff was still here... That at least stopped Kanan from panicking too much. She was sure she was going to return to an empty home. She was sure that Ruby would have left her after all she had read... And to think she yelled at Ruby too.

When she walked into the room, she found that Ruby was in bed, sobbing. The sound of her crying broke her heart. She did that. She made Ruby cry. The poor girl must have been crying for hours... Kanan had been gone quite some time, trying to cool her head and organize her thoughts.

All she wanted to do was wrap her arms around her lover, but she hesistate in fear that Ruby would just get angry and push her away. At first, she stood still and just watched, but a few moments passed and she could take it no longer. Slowly, she walked over to her side of the bed and slipping in next to her.

"Ruby..." Kanan whimpered, crawling over to her and wrapping her arms around Ruby gently. "Babe... I love you."

There's a hiccup, a sniffle and a long pause before Ruby finally spoke a word.

"You didn't want me."

The words stung. She knew what Ruby was talking about, all those past thoughts she had... No. She wanted to forget it.

"That... That's not true Ruby. I--"

"You w-wanted.. t-to be with my sister..." Ruby choked on her words as she spoke. She didn't even try to get out of Kanan's grip, but instead her arms reached to pull Kanan's closer against her. "I ruined your ch-chances of being happy... You d-dated me because you didn't want to hurt me... You... You stayed with me out of pity... Y-you spent how long wanting her even when you were with me."

"No... No Ruby. I..." Kanan was crying again too. She knew what Ruby read was true at the time she wrote those things, but it was far from true now.

"You even saw being with m-me as a way t-to... Be closer to Oneechan... T-to make her jealous." Ruby laughed a bit at that. "W-were you just using me all this time?"

"It's... Not like that, Ruby... please." Kanan burried herself further into Ruby's neck and into her red locks. She always found comfort in there, the familiar scent of Ruby's strawberry shampoo never failing to calm her down, even now.

"Is it because I was easy?" Ruby's voice was raising out of frustration, but not by much. She was still a mess, crying her heart out. "Oneechan is with Mari... S-so you settled? It's better to just s-stay with someone who already loves you than be heartbroken, right?"

Kanan was about to deny that too, but Ruby cut her off before she could even stay her first word.

"W-was any of this real? All the cuddles and kisses... Intimacy... Planning our futures together.... Did you want any of that?"

"Yes! I want it. I want you." Kanan spoke quickly before Ruby could cut her off again. She was clinging to Ruby so tight, as if she would disappear if she even loosened her grip.

"But wouldn't you rather be with Dia?"

Ruby turned around to meet Kanan's eyes, the most broken look plastered on her face despite the faint smile she tried to force on her lips. Kanan shook her head, choking on her sobs. She cupped Ruby's cheek with one hand, wiping away the tears off her cheek with her thumb, though her own vision was blurred by tears of her own. "No. I don't want her anymore... I don't want anyone but my Ruby."

She quickly pressed her lips against Ruby's, trying her best to give her some love and affection, but she was sure it came off as more desperate than anything-- desperate to make things better. Desperate to take away the pain. Desperate for Ruby to be hers. "I love you... Please believe me."

"I... I... Don't know anymore..."

So the two of them laid there in tears. Kanan pulled Ruby to her chest, clinging to her as she nuzzled against the top of her head and smothered her in kisses. Ruby was shaking violently with her face burried in Kanan's shirt. It took a while for either of them to calm down. They never fought like this before. It felt like the end of the world in both their minds.

Finally the sobs settled down to faint sniffles. Kanan leaned in to kiss Ruby all over the face, trying to get rid of all the tears. "Who's my baby?"

Ruby whined and rubbed her face more into Kanan's shirt.

"Whoooo's my baby?"

"I'm y-your baby." Ruby mumbled.

"Whoooo's my angel." Kanan grinned, blowing raspberries on her skin.

Ruby giggled and tried to shove her away. Kanan was getting spit all over her face. "Ruby is."

Kanan smiled, giving her eskimo kisses then resting her forehead against Ruby's. "Whoooo's the love of my life?"

Ruby paused for a moment. "It's me? Me right?" She started to get teary eyed again. "It's... It's not Oneechan?"

Kanan shook her head. "Only Ruby." She pulled in Ruby for another kiss then snuggled her in her arms, holding her as tight as ever. They stayed like that for a while, just cuddling in bed pressed up against each other. Then Kanan had a thought. "Hey Ruby. Would you like to read some more of my Diary?"

"H-huh? Umm... N-not really..." She started shaking again. She was scared to find out anything else bad in there.

But Kanan had other ideas. She sat up on bed, pillows behind her back to support her, then she pulled Ruby to lean against her. Reaching to the night stand, she grabbed the mint book and flipped it open. "Trust me okay?"

Ruby hesistated, but she nodded.

Kanan found the page she was looking for. She coughed to clear her sore voice then started reading it out loud.

_July 21, 2010_

_It's our one year anniversary and honestly, I never expect things to turn out this way. Ruby is the best thing I never knew I needed. She helped me through so much this year... I don't even know where to start. I was so focused on trying to get someone else when I had all I need right in front of me. Ruby deserves better than me. She makes me incredibly happy. I love her so much. I'm so glad I said yes to her one year ago._

_Kanan_

Ruby sniffled, leaning against Kanan more so she could watch as Kanan flipped through the pages. The older girl didn't read all of them obviously, since there were many, but after that page, there was less and less of Dia's name and more of her own.

_September 16, 2010_

_I miss Ruby. I miss her so much. Being in college is no fun. I want to cuddle my Ruby but she's so far away. Maybe I should transfer so I can be closer to her. She'd probably scold me though. I know she really wants me to finish college and all, but it's hard to focus without her around. I even miss her helping me study even if it was embarrassing to have your junior teach you stuff._

_Kanan_

_November 18, 2010_

_We called again on skype today! I got super excited and Dia and Mari were teasing me about it, but they can fuck off. They get to be with each other all day every day. I only get to talk to Ruby for a couple hours whenever we are both free. They don't get how hard it is._

_Kanan_

_December 21, 2010_

_We finally came home for Christmas break! I'm so excited. College has long breaks than high school so I get to spend lots of time at Ruby's house. I already told my parents I would be sleeping over at Ruby's most of the break, and they were cool with it. I'm so lucky to have awesome parents. I'm going to spend so much time cuddling Ruby!_

_January 2, 2011_

_The whole gang met up today to hang out. It was fun seeing all of Aqours together again. We played lots of games and the snowball fight was honestly the best. I nailed Ruby in the face a bit too hard though. Dia yelled at me but I kissed it all better! Then I got yelled at again for PDA. I can never win with that woman. But its fine. I'm a winner as long as I have Ruby._

_Kanan._

Ruby nuzzled up against Kanan, smiling a bit and feeling warmer. Kanan smiled back at her and kissed the top of her head. She flipped through the years a bit more, laughing at some stories here and there. There were a lot of good memories in that book. Lots of them. The two of them really didn't fight much.

"Kanan don't read that one out loud!" Ruby flushed bright pink at the words. She understood that it was her personal diary, but did she really have to be so lewd and descriptive about that?!

"Whaaat it's true though! You were so kinky that day... Even thinking about it gets me all hnnn..." Kanan whined a bit and kissed Ruby's neck playfully only to get pushed away by a flustered redhead. "Fine fine. Later then."

She flipped through a few more pages, but flushed when she saw a certain one. In her head she was debating whether to read that one or not, but she quickly flipped the page. Confused, Ruby flipped it back.

"What's this one? Is it bad?" She asked, frowning again.

Kanan shook her head quickly. "N-no... It's... Just embarrassing." She took a breath. She only wrote this entry a couple months ago so she still rememebred every word of it.

_July 21, 2017_

_I can't believe I've been with Ruby eight years today. It flew by so fast... We are both graduated and working now. We've talked about a future together. It's a scary thought you know? That we are older now and adults and we can actually make these kinds of decisions. We aren't the little girls we used to do be anymore, playing house with Mari and Dia or running around in the park. This is real. This is really happening. These eight years have been the best years of my life. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I'm so happy. Ruby makes me happy. I want to be happy with her forever. I'm going to save up every last penny to buy her the prettiest ring money can buy. She deserves it... I don't want to have a life without her. I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! This is going to happen. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Ruby!_

_Kanan_

Ruby was crying again, but not because she was sad. Kanan chuckled, putting the book away and turning her body so she could cuddle Ruby closer to her and let her cry it out.

"I love you Ruby... Maybe I didn't see it at first because of some stupid infatuation. I'm really sorry I was like that back then..." Kanan kissed her cheeks then brushed off the rest of her tears with her fingers. She cupped the girl's cheeks and made sure she was looking her in the eyes as she spoke.

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me Ruby. I wouldn't stay with you this long if I didn't love you, okay? I... I love you more than anything else in this world."

"I love you too Kanan... I always have and I always will." Ruby sniffled and gave her a soft peck. "I... You... Just scared me... I thought--"

"Hey... It's okay. I shouldn't have been hiding things from you. I was just scared..." Kanan nuzzled her. "But it's in the past. You're my future. Well... if you wanna be."

Ruby chuckled at Kanan's bashfulness right now. "Mhm! I want to be with you forever."

"Good. Then marry me." Kanan chuckled too and kissed her on the nose. They were all smiles and giggles now. They couldn't be happier.

"Sooo." Kanan had the widest grin on her lips. "What sounds better? Ruby Matsuura or Kanan Kurosawa?"

**Author's Note:**

> I also like fluff


End file.
